| Volume 5, No. 2 - March/Mars 2008 |
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 Volume 5, No. 2 - March/Mars 2008
How to be a Happy Lawyer How to Manage Your First Legal Assistant How to Regain Control from Your Blackberry
Sole, Small Firm and General Practice is published by the Sole, Small Firm and General Practice Section of the Ontario Bar Association. Members are encouraged to submit articles or suggest story ideas. The articles that appear in this publication represent the opinions of the authors. They do not represent or embody any official position of, or statement by, the OBA except where this may be specifically indicated; nor do they attempt to set forth definitive practice standards or to provide legal advice. Precedents and other material contained herein are intended to be used thoughtfully, as nothing in the work relieves readers of their responsibility to consider it in the light of their own professional skill and judgment. |
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How to be a Happy Lawyer Nicole Ewing* It’s simple—do what you’re good at. This may sound trite but, in terms of being a happy lawyer (yes we can!), the sister advice of “don’t do what you’re not good at” holds equally true as well. By definition, sole practitioners, small firms and general practice lawyers do it all – what they do well, what they do less well, and what they really should not be doing at all. These latter tasks may be characterized as such because the lawyer doesn’t have the requisite knowledge or skill in a particular area. However, more often than not they are simply tasks that the practitioner could do well, but the cost and effort involved in doing them is disproportionate to any benefit the lawyer, or their client, may enjoy. Outsourcing to other professionals that provide on-demand legal services is a solution to this challenge. Sole and small firm lawyers are responsible for developing client opportunities, maintaining client relationships and completing client work. To excel in any of these capacities requires skill and effort. To excel in all of them simultaneously requires vast amounts of time. To free up time, sole and small firm practitioners have traditionally considered three options: hiring additional associates, becoming affiliated with other lawyers or another firm or simply turning down work. Each of these can provide adequate solutions, depending on the situation, but there are limits to the efficacy of each. Hiring additional associates not only requires a long-term financial commitment, but often involves a significant time investment to train and mentor a new team member. The time commitment is, of course, a valuable and necessary investment that must be made to any new associate, but it is also one that may be too onerous where work overloads are temporary or cyclical or where assistance is required on an emergency or task specific basis. A similar time investment is involved in building a mutually beneficial relationship with other lawyers and firms, and again, where the overload could be relieved by having a discrete set of tasks completed on a one-off basis; it may not make sense to permanently affiliate. Some lucky few have built the type of practice that allows them to turn down less desirable files. However, with most lawyers the issue is that potential new work is more interesting and profitable than the older files that stake claim to their limited resources. While they may want to take on new files, they simple do not have the resources to do so. There is, however, another option. Lawyers are looking at new ways of doing business that reduces workload while increasing client and personal satisfaction. An increasingly attractive option is to bring other skilled lawyers on board on an “as needed” basis—the choice known as legal outsourcing. Legal outsourcing is not a new phenomenon. Much has been written about off-shoring (sending work overseas, e.g. India), near-shoring (to professionals outside your jurisdiction but located in North America) and on-shoring (engaging professionals licensed to practice in your jurisdiction) in the past few years. The benefits are similar with each form of outsourcing: reduced costs (lawyers work off site and online, provide their own equipment and software and pay their own insurance and online legal database subscription fees); greater flexibility; access to up-to-date technology and lawyers who are proficient at using it; the ability to offer a greater array of services and to increase your client base; and the opportunity to devote time to the most profitable and enjoyable areas of your practice while having another qualified professional take care of the more mundane areas of your practice. The following are some cautions and suggestions to ensure your legal outsourcing experience is successful. 1. Ensure the legal professional is licensed to practice law in your jurisdiction. With the recent discussion surrounding the licensing of paralegals in Ontario, it should come as no surprise that the Law Society of Upper Canada is strongly interested in non-licensed persons engaging in the practice of law. While certain tasks can be completed by a paralegal, others are strictly the domain of licensed lawyers. Similarly, with respect to offshore firms, a lawyer must ensure they are not aiding the unauthorized practice of law by outsourcing legal support services to overseas persons who are not licensed to practice law in Canada. Hiring a legal outsourcing firm with a staff of insured, practicing lawyers in good standing with the LSUC will ensure your legal work is completed to the same professional and ethical standards as you would provide yourself. 2. Ensure your retainer includes a provision that allows you to contract out to other professionals. In Ontario, the LSUC permits lawyers to outsource legal work to other lawyers provided the client has consented. If the client understands that the practice will reduce their costs and provide them access to increased expertise, they will likely agree to, if not insist on, this practice. Where the retainer agreement includes such a provision, lawyers are permitted to bill the fees of the contract lawyer as a disbursement or, where the assigning lawyer deems it appropriate, gross-up the contracting lawyer’s fees to the assigning lawyer’s regular rates and in fact make a profit on work completed by outsourced counsel. 3. Identify your weaknesses and outsource strategically. There are many steps in a legal file – researching the law; organizing discovery documents; drafting pleadings, affidavits and facta; appearing on motions; attending case conferences; and etcetera. Lawyers should identify those aspects for which a) they cannot bill their time at their full rate; b) their particular expertise is not required; and c) they are simply not efficient. For example, organizing discovery documents is tedious work for which lawyers often do not bill their clients for at their full rate. It is also work that does not require any particular expertise of the assigning lawyer. Similarly, a research lawyer has access to a wide variety of legal resources and has the experience to use them to provide an exhaustive review of the law far more efficiently than a practitioner who only occasionally accesses a database or library. These are tasks that can be outsourced effectively. 4. Know your outsourcer – ask for references and check them. It is important to ensure that the outsourcer can provide the expertise you require. Ask for and check references, as their past performance with prior customers will tell you a lot about the quality of their work product, technical expertise and ability to meet your deadlines. 5. Protect the lawyer-client relationship and the integrity of the file. An assigning lawyer retains the ultimate responsibility for the work completed by the outsourced lawyer. It is therefore imperative that the provider has an appropriate conflict checking system in place and has policies and procedures that protect confidential client information. Lawyers have several options when they want to keep current or future clients happy but do not have the requisite knowledge or skill in a particular area, or where they simply do not have the time to complete the task. Where hiring new associates or creating affiliations with other lawyers or firms is not necessary or practical, legal outsourcing is an effective way of managing work overloads, reducing stress and focusing on the aspects of your practice that you enjoy. * Nicole Ewing is the founder of Advocate Assist LLP, an Ottawa-based law firm that specializes in providing legal research and writing services to other lawyers. She can be reached through the firm’s website at www.advocateassist.com. |
| Message from the Chair Bonnie Patrick* Happy New Year! This is your first newsletter of 2008 and I hope that it finds all of you well. I am sure all of you are very busy dealing with the 2007 year-end tax aspect of your practices as well as the Law Society reporting required for 2008. The holidays seem a long time ago. Can life get any better than this? Of course it can. The Annual Institute was a huge success. The materials for our Section breakfast (Precedent Partnership Agreement for a Law Firm) are now posted to our Section’s part of the OBA’s webpage (http://www.oba.org/en/gen/gen_en/genins.aspx). They are great. On behalf of the Section, I would like to thank Arlene O’Neill of Gardiner Roberts LLP for her work on this project. While you are on our webpage, you should look at materials from our past breakfasts, retainers, collections, employment contract, etc. Everything there is very helpful. Please let us know if there is anything our Section can do for you. The Listserv is an excellent source of information and if you have not done so already, I encourage all of you to join (http://www.oba.org/service/wall/login/login.aspx?TheURL=http://www.oba.org/en/main/listserv_en/Default.aspx). It is a benefit that comes with your Section Membership, so I encourage all of you to take advantage of it. Of course, the Listserv can only get better with more members. Encourage your friends to join the Section, so that they too can receive our newsletter and participate in the Listserv. * Bonnie Patrick, Goulin & Patrick, (519) 258-8073, goulinpa@wincom.net. |
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How to Manage Your First Legal Assistant Jennifer L. Rice* When you hire or receive your first legal assistant, you may not know how to manage your legal assistant — let alone yourself. This article is designed to give you some helpful hints for working with your first legal assistant. The first time that you have someone working for you, it can be quite scary. Especially if he or she is older or more experienced than you, it may be very intimidating. Managing an employee can be especially challenging if the legal assistant has a difficult or dominating personality. He or she may be quite comfortable running the office and you. After I had been practicing on my own for two years, I made the mistake of hiring a legal assistant who was extremely controlling and significantly older than I. I would give her instructions on how I wanted a letter to the client to look and she would ignore me and write the letter how she thought it should be written. It was very difficult to remember that I was the boss and she needed to follow my instructions on how things needed to be done in my office. I had to keep reminding myself that this was my office – that I had worked so hard to get – and I needed to make sure that the letters going out the door represented the standard of what I wanted. If she had not made the mistake of looking for a new job on my time and on my computer and gotten fired, we would have continued to have power struggles over who was in charge of the office and how things should be done. My first legal assistant was much easier to deal with. She was more experienced than I was about the law and how things in a law office actually work. I was so grateful that she knew how to issue a subpoena (do not forget to invite the court reporter) and what the standard was for obtaining a restraining order. Unfortunately, whether it is easy or hard, you are the hierarchical leader and the one who is responsible for the legal assistant’s professional conduct. See ABA Model Rule 5.3 Responsibilities Regarding Nonlawyer Assistants. Not only does law school not prepare you for how to practice law, law school does not teach you how to manage, encourage and supervise your legal assistant. Managing Projects with Your Legal Assistant Remember that you need balance in how you manage projects that you delegate to your legal assistant. You do not want to be hovering over your legal assistant’s shoulder asking when a project will be completed and you do not want an important project to be set aside or forgotten. Tell your legal assistant how to and how frequently you want him or her to communicate with you during the day about tasks in progress. Do you want your legal assistant to write you a note, send you an email, send an instant message or drop into your office? In our office, we use Windows Messenger to send each other instant messages about questions or comments that we have about client matters. We also use our case management program (Time Matters) to record to-do items and when they are completed. Remember that asking your legal assistant to report back after every task will likely interrupt the flow of work and make your legal assistant feel like you are treating them like a kindergartener. Try to reserve the request for immediate information after a task is completed for very important urgent tasks. For example, do not hesitate to ask your legal assistant immediately what the Court said, what happened with continuing the hearing, or is the client coming in today to sign documents. When you first begin working with your legal assistant, going over the expectations will take extra time. Hopefully, your legal assistant will learn your style, and what you expect. The goal is to get to a place where you are confident that your legal assistant did the work correctly and on time. You will have to learn how to go over completed tasks and give information about things that can be improved. It can be difficult to learn how to give feedback that is helpful and complete. Try to tell your legal assistant what he or she is doing correctly and what areas need improvement. For example, “thank you for taking the initiative to find out the answer to the question that the client had and call them back….and you need to be more careful about checking your spelling.” Sometimes managers make the mistake of only giving negative criticism because they want to be seen as strong. Do not forget that positive constructive criticism can be a good motivator. Make sure that you compliment your assistant on a job well done. If you do not say anything, your legal assistant may believe that you disapprove and your silence can be very discouraging. You also want to think about what rewards might be appropriate for your legal assistant. Each person is different and you need to understand what motivates that person. Not everyone is motivated by the money. Your legal assistant may prefer flexible hours or different benefits. Depending on your firm situation, you may not be able to have much influence on what types of benefits or rewards are offered to staff. If you do not have much control of your legal assistant’s work hours or benefits, think of creative ways to show your appreciation – take him or her to lunch, give a gift certificate, or a thank you card. If you are in a smaller firm or solo, you may have a great deal of latitude about giving your legal assistant things that matter more to them. My legal assistant prefers to have work hours that start a bit later and end later in the evening. Your legal assistant may want permission to take an hour and half lunch break. You may want to take time each day to review what needs to be done today, this week, this month, with your legal assistant. You might ask him or her what is on your agenda, check it against your list and add a few things to it if he or she missed something. You could also follow up with an email. You could also ask him or her to email you a summary so that you’ll have it handy. This allows you to privately check the summary, and you both have a record of it. You will also need to make sure that you are communicating what you want clearly to your legal assistant. Make sure that your legal assistant understands what you mean when you tell him or her to “Call Client X and see when he or she is available for the deposition.” Do you mean call the client and give you a list of dates when they are available and you will pick the date? Or do you mean, arrange a date for the deposition with the client, put it on my calendar, schedule the Court Reporter, and send out a confirming letter to the client? You need to make sure that you provide an environment where your legal assistant can learn from his or her mistakes, develop new skills and take on new responsibilities. Helpful Hints
P.S. If my first legal assistant is reading this article, she is laughing hysterically. Many thanks to Candace Mason, my first legal assistant, who was very kind when I was a new lawyer and she knew how to do my job better than I did. * Jennifer L. Rice is an attorney at Rice Law Office, P.C. (www.northerncoloradofamilylaw.com) in Fort Collins, Colorado. She is the current ABA Young Lawyers Division Liaison to the Law Practice Management Section. |
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How to Regain Control from Your BlackBerry
Irwin Karp*
This article originally appeared in the October 2007 issue of THE BOTTOM LINE, the official publication of the State Bar of California Law Practice Management & Technology Section. The BlackBerry and the Treo are ubiquitous addictive functional devices. They are known as smart phones. Sometimes I wonder if the name is appropriate because they may be smarter than we are. Look around. People are on their blackberries at the airport, walking around town, in meetings, while driving (yes, while driving) and over family dinner. They are very practical devices that have created their own kind of manic behavior. Research in Motion, the manufacturer of the BlackBerry, has an extensive advertising campaign in print and on the web with real people answering the question: “Ask Someone Why They Love Their Blackberry.” By the way, I use the term “blackberry” in a generic sense, just like certain other brand names. I happen to use a Palm Treo myself, but the purposes are essentially the same and I will use the term “blackberry” to describe the devices. Blackberries are tools that are supposed to make us more productive. Yet managing the onslaught of information, and the continuing concern that something is being missed, can have a negative effect on productivity. The advantage of the blackberry is that you can work from anywhere, anytime. The disadvantage is precisely the same. Hence, they are known as “crackberries,” and I’ve heard of a repetitive stress situation called “blackberry thumb.” Yet, mobile professionals are so wired to these things that various forms of aberrant behavior ensue. On my way to present a program at a law firm in Washington, D.C. several months ago, I followed a very well-dressed, distinguished looking gentleman down Pennsylvania Avenue for about 10 blocks. He had his arm out in front of him with his blackberry cradled in his palm the entire way, just waiting for a vibration. He did get a couple of messages during his brief walk. Couldn’t he just as well have checked when he arrived at his office? The tools that we think are making us more productive can rob us of concentration, harm relationships, and keep us from focusing on critical tasks. One of the leading thinkers and practitioners on attention deficit disorder, Dr. Edward Hallowell, wrote a book last year called CrazyBusy where he noted that, due to the nature of our information age, many of us exhibit attention deficit traits although we do not have clinical ADD. Dr. Hallowell stated that “we need to be careful that we don’t allow our electronic devices – and the curious magnetism they exert on our minds – to take control of us….” We need to learn how to manage our tools rather than have them manage us. One of my favorite blackberry stories, which I tell in my programs on managing e-mail overload, is that of a colleague checking his blackberry in the locker room after emerging from the shower. There he stands stark naked, dripping wet, checking his blackberry before even drying off. I said, “Be careful, you might electrocute yourself.” Without skipping a beat, or looking up from the blackberry, he said, “I’ve already checked – low voltage!” Just because you can doesn’t mean that you should. So how do we learn to let go? Didn’t we all get by before we had all of these high tech tethers? Please understand that I am not suggesting that we get rid of our blackberries. I use one myself and have no intention of giving it up. But, I have learned how to manage and use it as a tool to enhance my productivity. Here are some suggestions for taking back some control. Be wary of multitasking – learn to focus: E-mail will interrupt your work if you let it. Research in England several years ago found that checking e-mail as it comes in, and thereby letting it become a distraction and interrupt your flow of concentrated work, results in a greater loss of IQ than smoking marijuana. Now I don’t know how the researchers monitored the control group or measured the difference between the two groups, but they were making a point. Distraction interferes with focus, and lack of focus leads to work taking more time than it needs to take. Did you ever attend a meeting where many of the participants are constantly checking their blackberries? They are not engaged in the meeting. While there is the impression of great productivity, there is also the risk of missing something important. In CrazyBusy, Dr. Hallowell states that “it is a myth that you can perform two tasks simultaneously as well as you can perform one. It is fine to believe that multitasking is a skill necessary in the modern world, but to believe it is an equivalent substitute for single-minded focus on one task is incorrect.” Determine a reasonable interval for checking messages:
In order to keep e-mail from interfering with your ability to focus and get things done, try to develop a reasonable interval for checking e-mail given your responsibilities. Lawyers are often tied up for some period of time during court hearings, depositions, negotiations, client meetings, closings, etc. We make do with checking our blackberries during breaks. We should bring the same practice into the office when we are trying to concentrate on a project. Many lawyers I work with say it is difficult to let a period of time go by before responding to e-mails because they have spoiled the senders by developing the habit of immediate response. If they don’t respond almost instantaneously, the sender wonders what’s going on with them. If your interval for check and response time is immediate, then you will be continually distracted. Yes, you will get through your e-mails faster, but what else will you have accomplished?
Discuss expectations with colleagues and clients:
Don’t assume your supervisor’s or client’s expectations on response time to e-mail. Last year, the lawyers in the litigation practice group of a large law firm entered their conference room for a program on “overcoming information overload.” Every associate put a Treo down on the table in front of them; none of the partners did so. I asked why the associates had their blackberries with them since we were going to do a two-hour workshop. Answer: “so we can respond immediately to a partner’s e-mail.” I pointed out that none of the partners had their blackberries in the room. The chair of the practice group asked an associate, “Who ever said that we expected immediate response to our e-mails?” The associate responded that he assumed it. But, the issue had never been discussed within the practice group, nor had mutual expectations and responsibilities been established. With some exceptions, such as if you have an IP practice, most people do not expect instant turnaround on e-mail. Try to check on an hourly basis or when you are making a transition between tasks. To determine what is expected of you, discuss the situation with colleagues and clients and reach a mutually agreeable response time. Don’t just assume.
Unplug periodically – give it a rest:
Last December, the Wall Street Journal had a story on “BlackBerry Orphans” which discussed the impact that chronic use of the devices are having on family dynamics. It was the most read and, ironically, the most e-mailed story that day. The side-bar to the article had a 12-step program for blackberry addicts. Among the suggestions are: leave the device in your car or at home when you are attending a function for your child; set boundaries (let colleagues know that it will be turned off for a designated period of time); declare a blackberry-free zone in your home. Just the other day, a story in The Recorder in San Francisco discussed the effect of billable hour requirements on associate retention and considered flexible work schedules. While blackberries provide the freedom for such flexible work schedules, they can also interfere with the reasons for seeking such flexibility in the first place. The article referred to an accounting firm that apparently adds a message to all e-mails entering or leaving the server after 7 P.M. on Fridays: “Are you sure you want to send this message or can it wait till Monday morning?”
Don’t be rude: Have you ever been in a discussion or meeting with someone who steals glances at his or her blackberry. It’s hard enough to be a good listener without additional distractions. Carrying the 12-step program even further, the website CrackBerry.com, the self-described “#1 site for BlackBerry Users (& Abusers!)” has developed “13 steps to breaking a CrackBerry Addiction” because they didn’t think 12 steps were enough. Step 6 suggests that the abuser “make a list of all persons we have harmed through our rudeness, inconsideration and pretentious self-involvement, and make amends to them all.” Conclusion – determine what’s right for you:
How we decide to use our available tools is a personal choice. I’m just suggesting that you recognize when your behavior is borderline addictive rather than purposeful. Discuss expectations with colleagues. Learn how to disengage with the device to concentrate on projects, rejuvenate yourself and spend uninterrupted time with family. You may actually be more productive in the long run. * Irwin Karp is a productivity consultant with Productive Time in Sacramento, California. He presents practical time management seminars for lawyers at bar association CLE programs and customized in-house workshops at law firms around the country. Irwin is also an attorney, former managing partner of a small environmental law firm, Special Advisor to the Executive Committee of the Law Practice Management and Technology Section, and a member of the Association for Continuing Legal Education. Irwin can be reached by phone: (916) 446-6846. |
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Do You Really Need a “Smartphone”? Adam Kowalsky and Jonathan Yen* Simply put, a “smartphone” is a device that can be used as a phone as well as a device with limited computing functions such as (1) receive and send emails, (2) read, draft, or amend a Word document, (3) read, draft, or amend an Excel document, (4) read a document sent in a portable document format, and (5) receive and send voice or text messages. Common examples of “smartphones” used by lawyers are Blackberry®[i] devices and Palm® Treo™[ii] devices. Erring on the side of simplicity, there are two main reasons for not wanting to have a “smartphone”:
The fear of loosing control of time usage On the contrary, I find that a “smartphone” allows me to take full control of time usage. As lawyers, we have the discipline to decide whether to take calls or to respond to correspondence. When we are in our offices, most of us block off time to neither answer phones nor take appointments so that we can have uninterrupted time to focus on files. The same principal applies in deciding what action you take with your “smartphone”. Without a “smartphone”, I would feel a need to either remain in the office or take my notebook with me at all times so that I don’t (i) miss an anticipated call or an anticipated email, or (ii) second guess as to what would be the consequence to my practice or a particular file if I missed that anticipated call or email. Some people call this paranoia! With a “smartphone”, I am quite comfortable leaving the office at any time and not have to worry as to whether I will miss a call or an email. With my “smartphone” strapped to my belt, I am in full control as to whether I will turn on the “smartphone”. If I decide to turn on my “smartphone”, and I do, I am in full control as to whether I take action when my “smartphone” rings. If the ring is to notify me of an incoming email, I can reply immediately or later. The choice is mine. If the ring is to notify me of an incoming call, I can answer the call or let the call go to voicemail. Again, the choice is mine. I take my “smartphone” with me everywhere, well almost everywhere. For example, I take my “smartphone” with me when I exercise (except when I am swimming) regardless of whether I am expecting a call or an email. I do so because at odd times, I get some inspiration. Since I do not get inspiration often, I use the “note pad” feature of my “smartphone” to capture those inspirations, whether they relate to files or personal matters. A “smartphone” creates unreasonable client expectations in response time My “smartphone” allows me to provide instant feedback to my clients or counsel opposite what issues I consider appropriate for an immediate response, delayed response, or no response. With my calendar of appointments and commitments fully synchronized between my notebook and my “smartphone”, I can also check to see when I will be available to respond and perhaps set up future appointments. If I really don’t wish to respond at all, I can simply set my auto response message on my “smartphone” to send a reply that I will be away from the office and will not be responding to any message until a later date. My “smartphone” allows me to set the expectations of my clients or counsel opposite as to what constitutes a reasonable response time in the circumstance. Blackberry® Device or Palm® Trio™ Device My experience is that the most commonly used “smartphone” used by lawyers is either the Blackberry® device or the Palm® Trio™ device. The important differences between a Blackberry® device and a Palm® Trio™ device to me are as follows:
Is One Device a Better Choice? The differences in utility between the devices are not significant, at least from the perspective of common usage of these devices by lawyers, to choose one device over the other. The difference in utility will likely become less important in the next generation of “smartphones” or with the use of independent applications that permits usage on “smartphones” features commonly found on personal computers. It is worth spending the time to investigate authorized wireless service provider dealers. Regardless of your particular carrier or promotions, take the time to interview the personnel within the organization at your local branch and ensure that you have a reliable and respectful contact person. My experience is that the price points of service packages are competitive whereas the service element for your device varies greatly with designated authorized dealers of your chosen service provider. At the end of the day, since you are the one using the “smartphone”, you must like the “feel” and the “look” of the device. Go explore and have fun in the process. Good Luck. * Adam Kowalsky, JCY Law. Jonathan Yen, JCY Law, (416) 410-6389. [i] 8700 Series or 8800 Series, or the Curves™. |
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Notes from the Middleground Peter Hrastovec
I hate sleeping in hotel rooms. Not always. Let me refine and qualify my statement. I hate sleeping in hotel rooms when I am away on business. I don’t sleep well on business trips. And the problem is that I have now gotten to the point that I begin to tell myself that I will not sleep well as I plan my next business trip. Socks, suits, file. Hmmm, am I forgetting something? Oh, yes, insomnia. Yep, it’s all there. Let me speak of my most recent experience. I had to go to Toronto for some examinations. As I am a creature of habit (aren’t we all), I tend to stay at the same, quaint hotel. The management and staff are very nice and the room is modest but clean. There is a good restaurant on site. I am always asked which newspaper I prefer for my morning read and “would I wish to arrange for a wake up call for the next day?” Wake up call? Sure. And a back up? Yes. But can I first arrange a sleeping session? After dinner and spending some time working up my notes for the examination, I feel tired. So I go through my routine. I will bed down with a good book (not law!) and hope for sleep. Teeth brushed, book in hand, I slide under the warm blankets and delve into my story. Predictably, I have what I refer to as my initial “nap”. I will awake somewhat startled and check the time on the alarm clock and note that I had fallen asleep. But I will see that I had only slept for about 45 minutes. The light was left on from reading. I do not know where I was in my book. Of course, that doesn’t matter because I barely remember what I had read in the first place. In fact, the bookmark is exactly at the starting point of my intended read. Oh, the best laid plans! I shut out the light. And think of sleep. I have never counted sheep. I did this once and started thinking of barbequed lamb chops. This leads to hunger and no sleep so I scrap the sheep. I try counting backwards as if I was undergoing surgery. I then begin thinking of surgeries I have had and people I know who have undergone or will undergo surgery. This does not lead to sleep. This leads to anxiety, worry and hypochondria. I click on the television. I sift through the channels in the hope of seeing something interesting. I begin to watch “infomercials”. I soon discover that I have been doing crunches the wrong way for most of my life. For only three payments of $29.95, I can have a washboard stomach provided that I exercise for approximately seven minutes a day. I would have a miracle stomach. In reality, I know what would happen. This great device would be something I would end up using to hang my suits. An unused trainer turned silent butler. It looks so easy on T.V. It always looks easy. Where do they find the people to tell us their testimonials? Do they really use these gadgets? Do they have really good personal trainers who get them into great shape? Or do they use the machine? I change channels and learn that I am not drinking the right juices. The television guy tells me that I need a juicer that gives me more pulp and nutrients. It will also give me more energy. Right now, I do not want more energy. Right now, I want to sleep. I wonder if I buy this juicer whether it will make me as excitable as the guy who is trying to sell it to me. He tells me that I can also drink my vegetables. It will save me time, so he tells me. Wow. More time for work and increasing my productivity. More docketed time on my files. I see myself at my desk, drinking juice, saving time, working longer hours and admiring my washboard stomach. Then I wonder if ripped, muscular people use their washboard stomachs like actual washboards. Do they wash socks, lingerie and delicate items? I tell myself that this is utterly stupid, just like my inability to sleep. I click on some sitcoms. I rarely watch shows when they first come out. I watch most things later in syndication. Shows such as Everybody Loves Raymond and Friends are therefore new to me. I note there is some good writing here and laugh at the jokes. I realize that I am laughing by myself. I am my own, one-person laugh track. This makes me wider-awake. This also makes me a little paranoid. I click again. I see two actor lawyers arguing some point on some show in front of an actor judge in a fictitious courtroom. Art imitates life. This isn’t real and the legal point does not make any sense but sure makes for good television. I begin to think about arguing my own case and see myself as the T.V. lawyer advancing my client’s position. Young, good looking, washboard stomach. I quickly realize that that’s not me. I look more like Andy Griffith. Grey hair, paunch, and wrinkled suit—Matlock. I scan the channels, looking (hoping) for Matlock episodes. I remember watching one such episode while on vacation in Mexico. It was in Spanish. I enjoyed it despite not being able to speak the language. I then take inventory of what Spanish I do actually know. Not much.
Two hours have gone by. It’s 2:30 a.m. I have to be up by 6:30 a.m. to get ready for the examination. That’s only four hours from now. I wonder how I am going to function. I turn off the lights and pray for sleep. I begin to think about my case and the questions I have to ask. I try to rearrange the questions in my head. I think about the words in each sentence and then rearrange them to create a new, foreign language. The words sound like gibberish. I say them out loud. I sound like one of those alien characters from the bar scene in the first Star Wars episode. I then wonder when Star Wars was first produced. I think about my favorite movies and create lists in my head. I click on the television again and see Ben Stiller in some movie that is unfamiliar to me. I wonder if he would have been good in a Star Wars episode. King of the Ewoks or something. I think of his parents—Stiller and Meara. Comedians on the Ed Sullivan Show. How long ago was that? Decades? Next thing I know, the telephone is ringing. Who could this be? What time is it? I pick up the receiver. Taped message. “GOOD MORNING!” Far too much enthusiasm for …for…6:30 A.M. “THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL”. I am being told that it is cold outside but that I can get a nice breakfast in their great restaurant downstairs. There is an early bird special—eggs benedict. I don’t want breakfast. I want sleep. But now I have to get up. I begin to rationalize what had happened. I take inventory of how much sleep I must have gotten. It doesn’t matter. It’s not enough. I want more. I then begin to think about the eggs benedict. I think about all the various ways you can make eggs and… The phone rings again. It’s the same voice. “GOOD MORNING…..” This is the back-up call. It’s now 7:00 A.M. I fell back asleep. Now, I bolt out of bed because I am already running late. I try not to think about the fact that I feel dog-tired but, hey, I knew this was going to happen. Coffee. Yes, coffee within the next half-hour and perhaps one or two later. This will do the trick. Cheap substitute for sleep. Not the best thing but at least it will taste good. I think about going home. Seeing my family. Getting into my own bed. I think about getting through the day, finishing the examination, and getting back home. I blame the hotel room but later in the morning I realize who is truly at fault here. I realize it when I reach for the coffee decanter for the third time. Bad habit, yes, but boy, it sure tastes good. Sleep is overrated. But a good cup of coffee, now that is something worth losing sleep over. I am going to finish this piece but…(yawn)…right now…(yawn) ….I need a nap. |