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Sharon D. Nelson*

What a day: our two youngest children (in college) both need help with an assignment. The older four have various needs: 1) help with a website design; 2) help with a wireless network; 3) help with car maintenance; and 4) help with wedding plans. One of our black labs needs to go to the vet for a surgical recheck. There’s a Board meeting tonight for which I am wholly unprepared and I need to dash to Moto Photo to get passport photos for an upcoming trip. Clients are having so many problems that the office seems like a firehouse with everyone rushing out the door to put out fires. We lack only the Dalmatian and the fire engine. The phone won’t stop ringing and my Inbox is flooded with questions I am expected to answer by day’s end. I pulled a muscle in my back which hurts like the devil and my beloved husband and business partner thinks it would be nice if I cooked a really nice romantic dinner tonight – maybe homemade salmon ravioli? Arrrgh!

STOP THE WORLD – I WANT TO GET OFF! 

It spins ever faster, does it not? Much like the infamous merry-go-round in Alfred Hitchcock’s “Strangers on a Train” and with the same sense of mania and frenzy.

To bastardize one of Tolstoy’s famous lines, each of us is unhappily juggling balls in our own way. It really doesn’t matter what the balls consist of – we all have too many of them in the air and keeping them all up there (well, perhaps dropping as few as possible) is a daunting and daily exercise.

What we do for a living is intense. Our stakes are high and the consequences of our errors profound. According to a John Hopkins study, lawyers are considerably more affected by drug and alcohol problems than the public at large – and three and a half times more likely to suffer from depression. The statistics themselves are depressing! If you see yourself in this paragraph, for heaven’s sake give a thought to the Ontario Bar Assistance Program (www.obap.ca)

Even when we think we’re coping, most of us admit to feeling stressed and torn between too many responsibilities. Wherever there are lawyers gathered, they bemoan their hectic schedules and the unrelentingly furious pace of their lives. Every time you hear someone talk about “quality of life” issues, do you want to put your fist through a pane of glass? Do you think to yourself, it would be nice to simply have a life, never mind its quality?

I don’t know when the pace of life accelerated so rapidly, but there are fond memories of a childhood in which there was time to read a book, walk in the woods, and ride a bike to no particular place. Some of you (old like me) can remember when a Beatle album would come out and we’d listen to it maybe 100 times in a row lying on our beds, doing nothing but just listening in rapture to the music we loved and daydreaming without guilt.  I miss those days.

Recently, I had the pleasure of attending an event for young lawyers and heard many of the same laments. Nay said they felt pulled in so many directions that they bemoan their inability to have more time for other activities. Family obligations and long hours at the office conspire against them to deprive them of time to engage in social activities with their colleagues and some of the philanthropic activities that many of them took part in regularly until they graduated from law school, went to work and had families. Several of them asked, “How do you balance everything?” as though I might have some sage answer. Hah!

Would that there were a canned answer and a cure for what troubles them. Unfortunately, this is real life, not Dr. Phil. But their question stayed with me all the same, and I reflected on what the merciless juggernaut of life had taught me over the years. For what it is worth (two cents might be overpayment), here are some hard-won lessons:

1. You’ll never do anything more important or rewarding than raising kids. It’s the hardest, best job there is, even when it drives you crazy. I wouldn’t give up a single PTA meeting, excruciatingly bad band concert, all those soccer games in the rain and cold, or any of the basketball games in those hot, reeking-of-sweat gyms. I don’t regret transporting the girls and their hordes of friends to endless practices and games in a beat-up van cluttered with sports equipment and remnants of too many visits to McDonalds. What else was there in this glamorous life? Endless car pools to ballet classes and piano instructors. Sick kids that had to be picked up from school. Roaming groups of children in my house always wanting to be fed, generating messes from room to room. Seventeen years of leading Girl Scout Troops wearing an absurd uniform and my omnipresent whistle to command (if only momentarily) the girls’ attention. Wonderful moments of prom night, inductions in the honor society, and just cuddling at night watching TV.  They really are “the times of your life,” though you may or may not know it when living through them – life is just so busy. Cherish them above all things for those times will remain with you long after your children have left home. You won’t necessarily want them back, but you will savor the memories!
   
   
2. Find time for yourself, wherever you have to carve it from. For me, I read at night when my husband is sound asleep – he’s happy and I’m happy. Of all the things I love to do for myself, I love reading most of all, and there simply is no other time. Sleep is far less important, no matter what the medical profession might say. So find time for yourself doing what you love to do and protect it religiously.
   
   
3. Find time for your spouse/partner/significant other. Because our workdays stretch from 6 a.m. to 6:30 p.m., and frequently beyond, we have established an almost inviolable rule that there is no working after dinner. Instead, we generally watch a movie together, until one of us falls asleep which, in our advanced state of exhaustion, makes watching most movies a three-night exercise. It doesn’t really matter – we’re together, and that time is special. On weekends, we try to reserve pre-prandial “cribbage time,” a ritual replete with amiably hurled insults and challenges – and a “mommy martini,” which may refer to the fact that mommy is drinking it or to the generous size of the libation my devoted bartender has prepared. Rituals of togetherness are important – if two people live together without being together, they may not be together long. Whatever your own mutual pleasures are, make some time for them sacrosanct.
   
   
4. Give back to your community and colleagues. No matter how frenzied your life, nothing will give it meaning as much as helping those in need. Long ago, I recall hearing a story of a therapist of the 1900s treating a severely depressed man who simply didn’t know if he could go on. The therapist told his patient to go to the train station and to find an individual who was clearly down-and-out, in truly dire straits, and work on helping that individual with his life. The patient took the advice and several months later, reported himself cured and once again actively engaged in life. There are so many people in need of help that there is a world of volunteer opportunities for all of us – our own Pro Bono program, our Law Related Education activities, and our Community Outreach programs. Our churches, schools, and communities all have places for willing hands and hearts. Perhaps you can even incorporate service with work. Here at Sensei, we rehab law firm computers for the children of disadvantaged families. We provide technical support to homeless shelters. We adopt families for the holiday. We host high school interns who are interested in technology. We give presentations to local high school business classes about the realities of running a company. It doesn’t matter very much what you do – just so long as you are giving back. Give up a TV program or two (you can always buy a TiVo!), get off the sidelines of life, and make a difference – not just to someone else, but to yourself. Even though this represents an expenditure of time, it is the kind of time that makes us sleep well at night, having justified the air we breathe. As Shirley Chisholm said, “Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth.” And then there was Gandhi: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” They never knew each other, but I bet they would have liked each other.
   
   
5. Get unwired. Peculiar advice from a technologist? A few years ago, such advice might have seemed silly, but no more. Now, I steadfastly refuse to give my cell phone number to anyone outside of work and my family, knowing that clients would simply never leave me alone. After all, there’s a phone at work, I check my e-mail several times daily, and there’s a pager for emergencies. And yes, I’ve had to lecture clients who should know better about the definition of “emergency.” Frankly, “I spilled my wine on my keyboard and the keys are all sticky” does not qualify. Barring exigent circumstances, I don’t check my e-mail after work. You know what? It will all be there in the morning. Though I love electronic communication and the manifold opportunities of the Internet, I control my technology – it does not control my life. Well, that’s mostly true. These days, it seems as if too many of us are shackled to the machines that are supposed to help us, and imprisoned by the notion that we need to be constantly accessible. Who said? Draw the lines and keep your private life private – that alone will make your life more tranquil.
   
   
6. Take time off. It doesn’t matter whether you can afford to take time off. You really can’t afford not to. Time off does not constitute “giving your laptop a view.” Unplug and unwind. Whether you enjoy the steel drums of the Caribbean poolside or want to hike the whole Appalachian Trail, cut the professional cord completely. The entire disaster will await you on your return, but you will hopefully be replenished, refreshed and reenergized.
   
   
7. Have a pet, or two, or three. Personally, I like dogs, but the choice is yours. Dogs are nothing more than pure love encased in fur. They do not care what you look like, how scruffy your clothes are, or if you are grumpy when you get up in the morning. You are the center of their universe and all they want is to love you ad infinitum. Belle and Josie, our black labs, are my constant shadows. Doing the dishes? We’ll help lick them clean mom. Want to work on your computer? We’ll sleep at your feet. The ball, you want to play ball? Mom, that’s such a great idea! (thump, thump, thump go the tails).  There’s no way to repay the love of these faithful creatures who want nothing more than to be beside you and love you – and there is a world of Zen tranquility in their undemanding companionship.
   
   
8. Remember that all things pass. The trial that seems like the end of the world will be over, one way or another. The kids will get over the flu. The car that sucks money like a vacuum cleaner can be traded in. Just like Annie said, “The sun will come out tomorrow.”
   
   
9. Be gentle. In spite of the “road warriors” that make commuting a challenge and frazzle your already frayed nerves. In spite of your secretary forgetting to notify your most important client about a court date. In spite of your children’s dramatic and vocal rebellion in the face of your guidance and rules. Lawyers are often regarded as having the people skills of an enraged porcupine. Anger will shorten your life and make those around you miserable. Smiles will lengthen it and make those around you happy to be around you. Create a balmy climate - you’ll enjoy it yourself.
   
   
10. Forgive yourself. We all screw up. We say dumb things, insensitive things, and rude things. We foul up at work and at home. We are grouchy or unkind or insensitive. That was yesterday. Let it go. Resolve to be better tomorrow – and then – be better tomorrow. And while you’re at it, do the right thing, morally and Biblically, and “forgive those who have trespassed against you.” Few things are quite as redeeming and gratifying as forgiveness.
    
    
11. Put things in perspective. As Shakespeare knew full well, we are “merely players who strut and fret our hour upon the stage.” In twenty years, it will matter how you’ve raised your kids, and the outcome of your trial will be long forgotten. Would you rather have amassed a fleet of luxury cars and expensive homes or have the respect and affection of your friends, neighbors and colleagues? Will your wealth or fame impress St. Peter? In the hurly burly of daily life, it is easy to forget that we have a lifetime to become our best possible selves if we can only keep from chasing the temptresses of wealth, fame, and status that vanish like mirages as we come to the end of our lives.
    
    
12. Keep some stardust in your pocket. As busy as we are, it’s no wonder that we let the magic that surrounds us daily elude us. Childlike wonder can be a major part of coping skills. I can be in mid-conversation and be struck dumb by the beauty of a rainbow. I clap my hands in sheer delight when one of our children unexpectedly shows up for dinner. And Christmas, do I love Christmas. There are snowmen, reindeer, and elves everywhere in our home. On a recent visit, my daughter Sara announced good-naturedly, “It looks like a Christmas store threw up in here.” Obviously, we need to get Sara some stardust for Christmas! Whatever delights you, take time to savor it.  There is magic all around us, all the time, if we will only slow our pace long enough to enjoy it.

If there were a panacea for the pace of modern life, we’d all partake of it. Perhaps the best we can do is look for some of the things that might help, as indeed some of the suggestions above have helped me over the years. So, for the young lawyers who asked me, the above is the best I have to offer you. The flat-out running approach to life simply doesn’t seem to work, as the Pennsylvania Dutch attested to with their famous epithet: “The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.” 

Relax and enjoy. In spite of everything, it’s a beautiful world. If you need to borrow a cup of stardust, stop by – I always keep a goodly supply on hand. Happy holidays!

* Sharon D. Nelson is President of Sensei Enterprises, Inc. and does work in computer forensics and legal IT in Fairfax Virginia.