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Leota Embleton*

From information presented at the OBAP Women’s Wellness and Balance Group Luncheon Meeting, Oct. 18, 2002.

“To know how to grow old is the master-work of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living.”  Amiel

Did You Know?

• Life expectancy is increasing.  Men 76 Women 81
• In 2021, people over 65 yrs. of age will make up almost 20% of population
• Lawyers grow old
• Lawyers have parents and family members growing older
• Most of the care (90%) for elderly family members is provided by family
• Women provide most of the care (from coordination of services to direct assistance)
• Many caregivers have responsibility for career, children and aging parents (Sandwich Generation)

How does caring for an aging family member affect you? 

Change in social activities
Change holiday plans
Postpone education, training or promotions
Have repercussions at work
Change in location
Changes in sleep patterns
Incur extra expenses
Health issues — stress, anxiety, risk of disease

Things to think about

Take care of yourself.  In order to do all of the things one needs to do, keep in mind that unless you look after yourself you will not have the energy or strength to do them all.  Set a list of priorities and put yourself in the list. The most common mistake is to leave self out of the plans. 

Be informed - know what to expect.  There is no way to predict the future, but one thing known for sure is that we get older. As parents and grandparents age, relationships and roles change.  Expect that you will become the person relied upon to help with decisions, tasks and support (emotional and physical).  Sometimes the changes take place gradually with time for planning, such as a move to a retirement home.  Other times decisions may be forced due to illness or accident.  Recognize the emotional reactions that accompany these life changes.  For the person in the middle there are often feelings of sadness (it is so difficult to see diminishing ability), guilt (I should do more, I don’t have time), anger (This is not fair, I’m left with all of the responsibilities).  Realize these reactions are normal and should be given attention.  The “I can do it all” syndrome is a problem itself. 

Use resources and services available.  There are information sources available for most every situation.  For condition specific information, use the organizations that deal with the diagnosed condition.  (For example, The Alzheimer’s Society, The Cancer Society, The Heart and Stroke Foundation, Canadian Mental Health Association). Organizations such as these provide valuable information and education specific to the diagnosis.  Take the time to connect with the ones that fit your need. 

Take regular breaks.   If you are providing care or are the main support person for a family member share the responsibility and take a break.  If you do not have other family members who can help ask the professionals in the community.  (For example,   Community Care Access Centres, Seniors Centres) 

Know your limits.  Learning to set boundaries is a difficult task especially with so many demands.  High expectations and perfectionism are often part of the lawyer experience. Often we add tasks and responsibilities but we very seldom take away one to compensate.  Remember we all have the right to make mistakes — don’t be too hard on yourself.

Talk with other family and friends. Many times people feel they have to cope with these issues on their own.  Discussing with others lightens the load and allows you to share the experience.  Others may have found small ways to deal with the things you are struggling with.

Share the responsibilities.  Remember that others can help and are often willing to if they know what will help.  Often it is a small thing that can make the difference, but we are hesitant to ask.

Take care of your health. It may seem obvious but eat right, exercise and see your own family doctor regularly.  It is an investment that keeps you able to help others.

Be aware of what stresses you and have a stress management plan.  Your plan for yourself should include an identification of the stresses you face.  Your own way of dealing with stress may be a hobby, music, exercise, meditation, yoga, a structured stress management program such as mindfulness based stress reduction, or many other combinations.  The important thing is to be sure that you have a plan.

Talk to a professional.  Information and support is available to lawyers through the Ontario Bar Assistance Program and LINK – the Lawyer’s Assistance Program.  (LINK has an elder care program to assist in finding appropriate care for an aging relative).   Professional help and advice is available in the community through community service agencies, Senior’s Programs, private geriatric consultants and health centres.
 
Women lawyers are under great pressure to manage career and family.  Often they have high expectations of themselves.  As parents age and roles change, it is important to recognize the increased demands and how to cope with the changes.

* Leota Embleton, Program Manager, Ontario Bar Assistance Program.